reptilian faq

Posted: March 7, 2012 in philosophy wars

reptilian FAQ

I thought I’d just clear the air and post this because no one else has stepped up to acknowledge your concerns about reptilians. Over the centuries, we have elevated your standard of living and the thanks we have received include the worst persecution and hatred. Human society has even gone so far as to use their religious institutions to refer to us as devils and evil beings. In the medieval period we attempted to bring to light many cultural developments, which were generally banned, such as reading (I read approximately six novels a day), spirituality (which is still banned in most churches), dancing (apparently some churches thought it was evil???), sex (reptilians are the best lovers) and in the Renaissance, which was actually our movement, theatre. We are responsible for the greatest advancements in math, science, art, political theory and literature. Yet somehow we have at all occasions been demonized. I’ll bet you have some questions, and rather than trust you to formulate your own answers (which often conclude that we are hideous bloodthirsty monsters), I thought I’d provide a little FAQ for all you out there in cyberspace.

by starscoldnight http://www.deviantart.com

Are reptilians religious?

During a recent poll, 100% of reptilians acknowledged the belief in God or some Higher Power. 100% of reptilians also agreed that children should be raised with moral and ethical values. Furthermore, 86.3% of reptilians agreed that of the human social groups, atheism is the group that is closest to understanding the true nature of a Higher Power (although 100% of that group objected to the term “human potential” as being the cornerstone of this awareness).

Do reptilians believe in evolution?

Classical evolution, that is, the gradualist progressivist view that the human is the top of the evolutionary pyramid, is a notion that is mocked by reptilian society. Many humans claim that because they clothe themselves, they are more intelligent than other apes. This is a false belief. The reason humans clothe themselves is that they have the maladaptation of a lack of sufficient body hair. This is no reason to think you are more intelligent than other species. Everything from communication to arts and technology is the result of the influence of reptilians.

Can I date a reptilian?

Go ahead. Just remember: Humans have the nasty habit of acting aggressively and erratically in most situations. We pick up on nervous energy and it is extremely unattractive. Just try to be cool.

Do you climb onto rocks to heat your bodies?

We are reptilian, not reptiles. There’s a difference. Keep in mind we are still anthropoid, and as such have much in common with other anthropoids.

Do you lay eggs?

Oh my goodness. No. See previous FAQ.

Are you from outer space?

To the best of my knowledge, we are as earthbound as you are. So please stop calling us aliens, demons, or any of the other terrible slurs your race has invented for us. We of course implemented the space program, and most certainly could have come from another galaxy, which would explain our superiority, but I have seen no evidence to suggest that we are an alien species.

Are you going to kill us?

Believe me sweetheart, if we wanted to kill you we would have done so centuries ago. In fact it is humans who have constantly been trying to kill us. Recall early stories of “heroes” slaying “dragons”. Recall the witch hunts and inquisitions. When perhaps we should have destroyed you for your crimes against us, we decided not to. Genocide is a human idea. We would prefer to coexist peacefully, and that’s why we do not talk freely about our existence.

How would I know if I had met a reptilian?

If you have ever felt inferior to a person but you didn’t know why, that person was probably reptilian. We frequently place higher in examinations based on everything from math and science to humanities and literature without even trying.

Do you believe in Christ?

He was reptilian. We don’t just believe in him, we know for a fact that he tried to educate you apes, but you killed him. It was not until the anonymity of the Internet (our invention) that we could once again attempt to educate you about subtler and more advanced thoughts without being executed.

What’s this I hear about your kind being into the Kabbalah? Can you do magic?

Kabbalah, along with many other mystical ideas, was created by and is sustained by reptilian folk. Mysticism is the basic FACT that essence precedes matter. We don’t just believe in a soul, we can see it. It is a light that exists even in apes. Mysticism is essentially peaceful. As for magic, though it is a baser tool than true enlightenment (especially the way it is understood by you primates), we are thoroughly apt. If provoked, we can easily kill you without weapons. So don’t provoke us.

Was Dracula a reptilian?

No. Dracula was fiction. Bram Stoker was reptilian. He wrote a story about how funny it is when humans meet reptilians because they almost always freak out when they do. It was a funny story for us, but many apes took it seriously. Twilight was not written by a reptilian. You can tell because it’s… well, lame. If I could, I would smack the reptilian who taught the apes how to read and write. It’s like when you teach a pet how to do funny things, like holding a knife. It’s funny until you wake up one day and the pet is holding a knife to your throat. Also, your sense of genres is skewed. For us, horrors are like comedies. They often involve humans who act erratically in the face of what they don’t understand, which is the present reality, and trust me, it’s hilarious. The action genre is, for us, horror. It’s what happens when you give a primate a weapon and teach the ape how to use it. The result is never good.

Do you wear human skin suits?

Oh my goodness. Why on earth would we want to look like you? I just watched a U2B video with screen shots of actors in motion blurs looking butt ugly. The creator of the video claimed they were reptilian because they looked weird. We set the standard of beauty. We are the most attractive thing on this planet. We do not consider dressing up in ape suits to be complimentary to our self-images. You are the ones who get cosmetic surgery, wear layers of pore-clogging makeup and do everything else you can to look like us. Mind you, we make a good profit selling you the aforementioned beauty aids.

Are you “shapeshifters”?

Yes, we can change skin color, general body characteristics, etc. We cannot however, change things like weight and height. It is most convenient for us to be passable as humans, but even then, we have little control. Those of us who prefer to dwell in our reptilian forms are generally forced underground because of human xenophobia. The day that you can get beyond your irrational fears, we will be able to walk among you in our true forms, and you will be able to benefit from our wisdom. Until that day, we will all live in the shadow of your irresponsible fears, which hurts you as much as it hurts us.

If you have any more questions about reptilians, please feel free to drop me a line. Just try… TRY!… not to be stupid.

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