UPDATE: The writer is clearly not feeling like himself in this post.
My ex gave me a ton of medications to deal with this damn cold. Life has been great. I’ve been having tons of dreams. I’ve been sleeping lots. Barely anything stresses me out. I’m avoiding going out into the cold to meet with Mal the Cottonwood Tree. Instead, I’ve stayed inside for the last two days, sitting around in a chemical fog and kinda just doing nothing too important. I went to my workplace and had some great conversations. There was no self-doubt, no tension, no anxiety. I can say pretty much anything and I don’t feel guilty or like I’ve said anything wrong. I’ve even felt free to get upset at people, even if they don’t deserve it, just to get my way. This is awesome. I feel powerful.
Being hopped up on meds has done one thing above all else: it has destroyed the connection that I usually have with people. Usually, I pick up on how people are feeling as a result of my actions. When I see that someone feels hurt by my words or actions, I actually care. That’s one thing that makes me really good at my job and terrible in relationships.
Yes, I said it. And you have a visceral objection to what I’ve said because you’ve repeated the mantra that everyone you know repeats: I just want someone who listens, and cares! That’s nice. But if that’s what you want, then that’s what you need to give, because being the one who cares about the feelings of someone who doesn’t care about yours sucks.
Anyway, you know where this is going. I’m going to question whether it’s really better to be cut off from emotions and empathy in order for me to celebrate being me. Indeed, the world would be a lot better of a place if people weren’t continually searching for and finding ways to shut off their empathy so we can have some emotional rest. It feels great, doesn’t it? Isn’t it lovely to experience the world without the echoing condemnations of everyone around you who tries to persuade and shape you into their idea of what you should be?
Don’t tell me that’s not a great feeling, because it is. I’m feeling it right now. It’s great.
I will try to persuade you that I’m not on “real drugs” and that there’s some monumental difference between pharmaceuticals and illicit narcotics. Unfortunately, we’re both too smart to tell ourselves that. Many pharmaceuticals become illicit narcotics.
I will try to stay on this cloud as long as I can. I have a father who I visit, an ex who isn’t completely out of my life, bills to pay, an education to complete, a full-time job to do and family/friends all over the bloody globe. Whatever I’m doing right now, I should be doing something else. Hidden voices yell at me to drop everything and come to their assistance. To top it all off, I lost my cell phone and wallet.
The world is really testing my styrka, förtroende, and uthållighet, or, in English, du kan si strength, confidence and endurance. Am I failing the test by enjoying this chemical reprieve from the miseries of the moment? Well, look at it: I haven’t been out to see Mal, but that’s mainly it’s cold out there and I’m sick. I spent all afternoon yesterday playing drums and doing exercise 10 from Paxson:
Sit in balance upon the Earth…
Let each limb relax…
…and on she goes with breathing and visualizing until she concludes with:
Sigh and stretch, open your eyes
It feels good.
But the brain fog doesn’t feel good. You know why?
I can’t help but wonder what I’m missing.
Tusen takk og Varsågod, søstre og brødre. Jag är så generad!
Ha det godt og skål til deg!